Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Oh well, now that I am home, I have begun to physically slow down. My mind continues to wonder what is next. I feel like I am somewhat trying to re-create myself or that I am having a midlife crisis. It is weird, I am also feeling a little bit depressed in some ways. How I have defined myself is somewhat a problem. So am I redefining myself?? I knew that times were tough and that the economy was slow, but in many ways I have been not looking at all of that. I have been self employed for 3.5 years and have basically been my own boss. I am no longer employed other than odd jobs here and there. I think alot of people are in my same position. I guess I am just left wondering what is next? What will my next step be? Where will it lead me. I took a look at the classified ads for jobs yesterday and it made me sick to my stomach. I dreamed about being in a cubicle last night in an office. So I studied finance because I love numbers and got my Masters degree because I wanted to advance more than an undergraduate degree. The later is somewhat necessary. I also think that my sugar intake is making my anxiety much higher than it should be. Rosemary brought that to my attention and it makes sense. Do normal people think about these things?? So I have been feeling a bit crazy in my own skin for the past day or so. I ahve these ideas crawling around in my head about opportunities for work or how to make money doing something other than a 9 to 5. How I can spend my life loving it and with passion. It is scary to think about being stuck in this current state of wonder...It is scary to think about failing and not being passionate about my career or how I spend my days making a living. It is scary. It is scary to watch the news or listen to the radio or to see the struggle that is oing on all around us. It is scary and painful to live in this world of fear that I have right now. I wake up thinking about what I am going to do today. I sit waitin for emails from certain folks. I obssess about things that most probably don't. I communicate things that most probably don't. I wonder if I feel differently than others. It sucks to feel like you have no responsibility. I mean, I do have responsibilities, but what I am saying is that I am bored sitting still. Maybe I need to learn to sit still and enjoy this time. Maybe I need to be at peace with this time. There are many many thoughts that go through my head, even when I am sleeping. For now, I am waiting for October to come when Rosemary and I will be traveling all around to festivals where she makes most of her living. That will be a nice break and a feeling of accomplishment. These feelings suck.....Oh well, it is nice to write them down. It could be a lot worse.................I am actually very lucky.