Sunday, September 27, 2009

The analyzer

I think I am continuiously analyzing things in my mind. I don't think I ever stop to be honest. If I am not analyzing myself I am analyzing my actions or maybe my past or what is to "be" in my future. I don't necessarily want to label it positive or negative or whatever, I guess I am just coming to this realization. I guess this blog is art of the things that go through my head that I analyze. I awoke today feelin nicely. It is nice to not have anyone but myself and the dogs in the house on this quiet Sunday morning. The door is open, the fans are running. I enjoy this time of year so much in Atlanta. the yellow in the leaves and the oranges and reds......So I have like 1000's of thought going thrugh my head. Last night I talked with numerous people about seeing everyone years later, the changes, the striff some have gone through, the children, the appearances that ahave changes and not changed, the stories and how it is nice to put a time frame on life, like 15 year reunion. 15 years later. It is kind of like a check up on everyone. We made a list f those who ahd been killed, some suicide, drug overdoses, criminal activity, accidents, health issues, adn then we spoke of the relationship issues, the children invlved, the divorces that are going to happen, and some asked about my travels and in the end I realized that we all have 1000 things going on in our heads. We are all dealing with things and conversing about thema nd we all have certain things in our lives that we love and certain that we hate. We need to think about this te next time we are at a red light and we look over at the person next to us. We are all so caught up in our own little world that we fail to realize that so is the person next to you all day long, every day this is the case. Everyone has voices and everyone has things they are dealing with and love and dislike. It is comforting in a way to know that some of those I ran into last night have it worst than I do, depending on how you look at it. But all of us are moving forward and all of us are doing our best. We may feel as though we are the only one's, but we are not alone in the challenges that all of us face. The difference is how we communicate during times of challenge or change. Which actually is Everyday, you know. In my past I drank and miscommunicated, but felt good, and talked more than necessary most of the time. Now I write and talk to myself and self judge and spend alot fo time in my head about things, I also self medicate with ganja. Some people hold it all to themselves and become ood actors, and there are many ways to live life. Many people simply float throug life and in public come across as though nothing is bad at all. We all deal with challenges differently. It is just so interesting to be living and to be engulfed in life and challenges and insecure situations or the wonderful situations and new experiences and great new life challenges and to wake up and see the sun and smell the rain and listen to nature and travel the earth and swim in the sea and taste salt water from the great bodies of water we enjoy. To hear from friends and to play with children and to try and understand their logic. Just to breath in and out and to dream when we sleep and to enjoy the love of ur dogs and eat good food and feel all emotions.....Life is good. So I have all of these voices that go on in my head.......Do you too? If you do, do you talk back, or allow the conversations to continue. And no I am not crazy or anything, this is just the type of thing that makes me wonder and want to know about others. I feel like I accomplish alot, but do others constantly have discussions in their heads.....Am I weird or odd or normal and healthy......I love to stay busy, but is it truely possible for me to slow down and not have all of the mind chatter. The chatter.......that is exaclty what it is. Marijuana helps actually, it takes the edge off of it all. but then again so does writting. I kind of like them conversations I am having currently, but I am ready o see some action, you know. So......this is my world now, this is what I stand for today, and this is what goes on in my head, no children, just dogs, and me waking up alone in a house in the hood, in a quiet house on Sunday with the sun shinning, waiting for my cup of coffee to appear with ceiling fans running and the Fall breeze blowing through the house. Off to analyze another day in my life

Saturday, September 26, 2009

And we meet again

Their faces, smiles, voices, laughs, tones of voice, and much more took me back to high school days. So it has been 15 years since we roamed the halls and had home room together and most of us have done well. They all say that I am the same. I am beginning to realize that who we are in our core stays around more than we know. I had many wonderful conversations tonight about many different topics, especially about personal growth and freedom and strength to be real and honest with ourselves. It all seems to be exactly the same things that I am working on. So things are lining up. A few select folks are going through similar periods of discomfort in their lives as I am, some feel they need to be doing what I am doing. It was nice for someone to tell me these types of things. I am beinning to realize that there are alot of people that are struggling in relationships, some divorcing, some still friends but divorced, some love their jobs but have simply changed in relationships and are starting fresh or on their way to starting over. It is becoming a common theme in conversation lately, many people are starting to wake up and seek passion. It was nice to listen to their stories and to realize that we are not alone. It was nice to hear others express their struggles and growth experiences. I am having a reat post ceremony experience tonight. It is nice to be home with the kids tonight. We are all laying here and looking forward to sleeping with oen another and waking up late.....Sunday is going to be a lazy day. High school was a good time. I enjoyed this evening. There will be more lessons learned. I love facebook.

We hummed and healed

I found myself running around her and holding hands and then encircling her and all passing unattached love to her. It was my favorite experience I have had yet with the medicine. Last night I engaged in ceremony using plant medicines with a group of men and woman and a Shaman from Peru. It took me to places that I knew were going to come up. And since we were ingesting medicine from the San Pedro cactus, I was using a plant to alter my state of conciousness, and I think alter is correct but possibly not the correct word, maybe an upgrade is the word that should be used. So the ceremony was intense for me and my stated intentions of growth I wanted to receive were all surface in my eyes. I knew that I was going to have an issue with the ingestion of a substance that takes me out of my comfort zone was going to be a challenge. So I went deep within and learned alot about my internal struggles. You know, the things that we talk about in our heads or our minds. I guess that is what we do when we meditate too....So it was difficult. I am not going to go into details, but it let me know that I need to maintain control to curb anxiety, or maybe it is to manage my knowledge of the known and unknown.....In the end I found myself in a circle healing another member of ceremony. We were all humming in tone with one another with almost a pulsating vibration between all 9 of us...It was my favorite part of it all.

So now I am back home and showered and headed to my High School 15 year reunion.

I love being back home in our living space. It is so nice to be home.......One more thing, .....I don't think I have ever had an animal communicate love more than our dog Athena. She kisses me and flirts with her eyes sending love vibrations.

Going to catch up with some old friends from high school. This is going to be interesting.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Wake Up Call

It is really a wake up call whenever I go to a hospital for any reason. The smell, the knowing that people go there when they are sick or hurt badly, and some to die, and others to be born.....So alot goes along with it and I just don't like them. Grandmother was definitely communicating with us, she even smiled for me and seemed to like it when I rubbed her feet. She even raised them when I stopped motioning for me to continue. I know that she could hear everything we were saying. I just love her....and to see her in this state was truely humbling and a reality check. I wonder if she remembers me talking about the time she tried out to be a playboy bunny with her friend, and they were chosen, and then had to decline because they had to go pick up their kids from school.... Those hot Mom's.....This is something I learned of her on her 80th birthday. Anyway, she seemed more than anything, uncomfortable being in that state of mind. She seemed to be wanting to be by the pool. She is not oing to be there for long. I just love her and being able to give her a kiss and her smile was the best.....It was nice to feel as though she was on her way to recovery and being able to communicate and be back at home, by the pool, with her loving family, including the dogs. She just was telling us all about her garden this past dinner we spent with them. She just always seems to be happy with her situation. Well, I hope she is dreaming well tonight.....We love you grandmother, I'll come by tomorrow.

Will's .........Living and Last

Yes. I filled out a living will today and my "last will and testament", atleast as it stands today. We unfortunately found out that "Grandmother", and she is grand, fell and hit her head. She is such a strong woman. Unfortunately it made us think about a Living Will in case anything happens to us that takes our mind to new places...leaving our bodies behind. Well, we wouldn't want this place to try and keep us here if we are meant to travel forward or, beyond now. I also ralized that it would be good for me to have a will to discuss my few assets and items I value, as well as how to dispose of my remains. ..............It was kind of odd filling out a last will and testament. I really don't own too much, but the things that I do own, are kind of cool. Not to mention thinking about the possibility of something occuring that would injure my brain or body and take my mind or ability to live here, now.....My Airstream would go to Rosemary as well as all of the art we have purchased together. My pistol should go to Michael Johnson. My truck should go with the Airstream to Rosemary. My baseball collection should go to Ethan Cole Cook. ...............So it is odd to write these kinds of things down. You begin to realize that life really is all about experiences and actions, not material items. I want my life to be celebrated, I want there to be laughing about my ways....whatever ways you remember of me.......whatever music we listened to together or whatever way I pissed you off with my smart ass comments.....hehe, you see??? It is weird writing down honestly what you want the celebration to be like after you pass away from this life........I kind of like the honesty feeling that comes with these types of writing or these types of thoughts. I mean really, you could loose this life tomorrow and not be able to prepare for it. Atleast let it be known how you would have liked things to be without you.....And celebrate life, not f'ing material items.....Oh well, it is nice to think about the reality that life could end anytime.....I keep running into more and more stories of life ending abruptly or accidents happening abruptly.....Life is good, live it up and taste it. But before I go, .....I want my ashes spread in the Gulf of Mexico near the Gulf Shore condos and the dunes we went dune hopping when we were so much younger, if they are still there. And some more ashes spread on Tallulah River Road in the stream before you get into North Carolina State line sign before Tate City, way back in the woods. Talk about being is so odd to write such down....Well, that's what i did this afternoon. Fun fun fun We Love you GRANDMOTHER!!!!!!!! We are riht by your side.

Reality Bites

Oh well, now that I am home, I have begun to physically slow down. My mind continues to wonder what is next. I feel like I am somewhat trying to re-create myself or that I am having a midlife crisis. It is weird, I am also feeling a little bit depressed in some ways. How I have defined myself is somewhat a problem. So am I redefining myself?? I knew that times were tough and that the economy was slow, but in many ways I have been not looking at all of that. I have been self employed for 3.5 years and have basically been my own boss. I am no longer employed other than odd jobs here and there. I think alot of people are in my same position. I guess I am just left wondering what is next? What will my next step be? Where will it lead me. I took a look at the classified ads for jobs yesterday and it made me sick to my stomach. I dreamed about being in a cubicle last night in an office. So I studied finance because I love numbers and got my Masters degree because I wanted to advance more than an undergraduate degree. The later is somewhat necessary. I also think that my sugar intake is making my anxiety much higher than it should be. Rosemary brought that to my attention and it makes sense. Do normal people think about these things?? So I have been feeling a bit crazy in my own skin for the past day or so. I ahve these ideas crawling around in my head about opportunities for work or how to make money doing something other than a 9 to 5. How I can spend my life loving it and with passion. It is scary to think about being stuck in this current state of wonder...It is scary to think about failing and not being passionate about my career or how I spend my days making a living. It is scary. It is scary to watch the news or listen to the radio or to see the struggle that is oing on all around us. It is scary and painful to live in this world of fear that I have right now. I wake up thinking about what I am going to do today. I sit waitin for emails from certain folks. I obssess about things that most probably don't. I communicate things that most probably don't. I wonder if I feel differently than others. It sucks to feel like you have no responsibility. I mean, I do have responsibilities, but what I am saying is that I am bored sitting still. Maybe I need to learn to sit still and enjoy this time. Maybe I need to be at peace with this time. There are many many thoughts that go through my head, even when I am sleeping. For now, I am waiting for October to come when Rosemary and I will be traveling all around to festivals where she makes most of her living. That will be a nice break and a feeling of accomplishment. These feelings suck.....Oh well, it is nice to write them down. It could be a lot worse.................I am actually very lucky.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Being a Man

I keep coming back to the way we have learned to communicate, mainly men. So many of us hold our feelings in and have been taught to not cry or to only laugh or to only say nice things or to not express hurt or sorrow or to be sensitive to others but not to come across as being sensitive. Another matter is being "emotional" or allowing others to see your emotions. Why is it that we teach our children to not cry when they fall down and hurt themselves? To be tough little kids. Why is it OK for us to force it on them that crying is something they should not do? When a child falls down and cries, it is usually because they feel pain. This is actually just one part of what I am thinking about, so don't get all caught up in the child crying part. I have traveled all across this country and have run into a lot of situations where I needed help. Maybe it was due to being lost, injured, inexperienced, or whatever....In many ways we are taught to not ask for help and to toughen up...or that we can handle it ourselves....Well life is not all about learning it on our own, it is not about being tough, it is not about not asking for help from others. Is life not about building a community of friends and supporting others and showing love and understanding rather than passing judgement? Is the goal not to surround ourselves with community that is supportive and loving and willing to help when needed. Is it not about community? Or am I being too sensitive here. I guess this entry is mainly about what I have experienced among men lately and in my past. It is so normal for men to have this ego about themselves that makes them feel the need to assert their opinions no matter what or to be number one or to be tough and "manly" and to not have a sensitive side or to not make decisions based on emotions in certain situations. What the hell is wrong with feeling emotions and letting others know how you feel. Is it that we have labeled what a man should be like and what a woman should be like. What about simply being human and knowing that humans have emotions and feelings and that it is OK to completely feel and express ourselves. Not that I am all emotional now and upset about this, but it is something I think about and ponder as I watch shildren play and listen to others talk to one another or as I am learning a very tough extreme sport that requires alot of support. It is so nice to be involved in a sport that is so tough to learn. there is something about messing up and needing to ask for help and possibly rescue. Everyone who gets into kiteboarding will undoubtedly get beat down and have accidents and then share their experiences with others as they progress. I think I have mentioned it before, but it is refreshing to be surrounded by a community that is supportive of one another and that knows how tough it is to learn and willing to extend a hand to others. It is a pleasure to ask for help or to admit ignorance and to not be surrounded by "tough guys." In this sport, it is tough to not ask for help or to not get hurt and express pain. It is teaching me a lesson in sensitivity to others needs. No one would ever call me "too sensitive" when I am at a beach and I just got the shit kicked out of me by winds blowing 25-30 mph while being over powered on a 12m kite in the ocean. I guess it is teaching me some life lessons that I wish more men would obtain in their lives. The ability to be sensitive to others and to lend a hand when needed and to look for those that need help and are new to the area/sport. I have hung out with some professional riders in the past week that were so humble and willing to help or explain things or to simply talk to newbies like myself. When was the last time you were ina sport where the pro's hung out with the newbies and there was not a wall between the two? Most of the pro riders I met were woman too. Is it because they were female that they were so understanding? Is there a sensitive feminine thing here? Why is it that men have to be so agressive or competitive or to establish dominance whether it be about what they know or what they do or their status or their title or how much money they make or position they hold in a company or whatever it is that makes them feel important??? What the F#@!??? Or am I being too sensitive here again? Am I showing my feminine attributes by expressing myself? I am not all upset or anything, I am just trying to figure out why is it such an issue for a man to be sensitive or emotional? Is it a sign of weakness? This is what is really behind the matter. Don't be weak or else others will take advantage of you. Don't be weak, your a man. Don't show your sensitive side or the fact that you are upset about something that was said to you. Of course there will always be others that will judge you for how you express yourself if it differs from theirs. I guess it just goes back to men just wanting to dominate others, whether it be in conversation or any number of areas. Being a man myself, sensitive or not, I wonder what the world would be like if woman were the main decision makers. In Latin America it is mainly the woman who run the countries behind the scenes....I uess we could add race into this arena but that would change the whole conversation. You don't see woman out in the world starting wars, committing genocide.....I would love to be able to see what the world would be like if woman were the main decision makers. There are many men that will go ahead and assume what it would be like based off of their masculine life experience. So this is what I stand for today, not that I must express this in order to feel better about myself, but this is what I stand for today and will continue to stand for. I guess it kind of hurts when another man says that I am too sensitive. Oh well, so be it, take it or leave it. What's wrong with that anyway, maybe I am just too human and willing to express my emotions, unlike so many. This is just another part of this journey I am on....

So nice to be home

So 3 months on the road is a long time, much loner than I have ever done before. It has been quite interesting, nice to have Rosemary to share it with, and nice to have seen the country. I keep thinking back to certain smells like the smell of the desert, forest, lakes, rivers, and cities. It is nice to be home.

So for me, this trip has been simply about seeing new places and taking advantage of the time that I have to do so. I have decided that I will more than likely be traveling like this for the rest of my life, if my plans continue. It is nice to have a home that is located in a city that has an airport that support world travel. I am exploring job opportunities but taking my time. It is nice to be able to do so.

So maybe this is how I communicate and therapize (is this a word?) myself. In Honduras I wrote in a journal. Many other times I have gone inward and listened to music or engulfed myself in the gym or with substance misuse. So these days I choose to write. It does me good. I appreciate this outlet, even though some of you may think I am up and down and all over the place. I guess that is kind of how my life has been all along, all over the place. I get bored with one thing, I change. Change is good and I am good at changing things that I can control.

Next weekend I am going to take part in a ceremony. What kind of ceremony, ceremony with medicinal plants and a female shaman that has healed many people around the world. It is just my latest step into the unknown. I am excited about it and look forward to sharing. I have heard nothing but good things about the healings that take place, even if they are tough to go through. Rosemary is excited for me to be involved. So we'll see how it goes. I am also going to our 15 year high school reunion. That will be next Saturday. Not much else to say other than it is nice to be home and to be able to spend time with family and friends.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

What do I stand for in life

Well well well, it is so interesting when we begin to communicate and put ourselves out here onto the web. It is interesting to do so in a manner that allows anyone to read and judge and assume and think whatever it is that they want to think about what I am writting. I guess that is normal, everyone has their opinions, I wish that more people would submit comments.

So I write and express myself differently than some of my friends. I have different ways of expressing myself and different ways of think and rationalizing and different things that I am interested in and definitely different things that I am passionate about and different things that I chose to research and mainly different things that I chose to focus on. I have been told that I was raised by a feminized father, I have been called too emotional and soft or sensitive. This is not new to me. Since I was in high school I have gone different ways and chosen different paths than most. I don't watch TV anymore and chose not to listen to the news since I think the media is driven by money and corporations. Even if I were to listen to all of the am radio talk shows, I don't think I would enjoy it, even it listening to all of them would give me more than one side of view that each of them usually do. It is left or right, or democrate or republican or liberal or conservative. Everything has a label these days. Oh, I have also chosen not to get married because I tend to think that it is a label as well. Many may think differently than I do on this matter, but I could really care less. Rosemary and I have already created a partnership that is honest, truthful, supportive, loving and pretty much all that we want it to be, and it continues to grow. I don't agree that marriage is only supposed to be between a man and a woman. What the hell difference does it make if it is two men, two women or a man and a woman. So, what do I stand for, well if you continue to read this blog you will continue to read what I stand for. I continue to find this out every day, and it does not revolve around what i have been told or have read in a book from school. I stand for alot of things. I stand for freedom to not stand for anything if that is what i choose. I stand for taking the road less traveled and stand for stepping out into the unknown. I can't stand to be boxed. What I stand for today might change tomorrow.

So, when I am told to tell someone what i stand for.........It is almost like they think that I don't know what I stand for. They would of course say that is an assumption that I am making about them, but my gut says otherwise. I have alot of things that I stand for.....I just don't feel the need to discuss them with others as do most people that want to be heard. I do not lead a fear based life that is feed by the media. I think that we welcome drama into our lives by watching tv and listening to the radio. I am not worried about H1N1 vaccinations bein supposedly forced on the population, I don't live in the dark adn don't think it is my duty to wake people up to the darkness that exists our in the world. I would rather talk about goodness and things that are not full of fear. I don't stand for pushing my opinions on others because I need to establish myself as knowledgable. I don't need for all of my friends to think like I do, but I damn sure expect them to respect me for who I am and what I am doing and what I think and if I chose not to express to them my feelings, I expect them to be cool with it. I also stand for being in touch with my feminine side and stand for being emotional and enjoy being able to cry whenever I want. I don't stand up for WAR, even though there are good things that come from it too. I am not bi on guns even though I own one. I don't like the idea of hunting because I don't like killing things. I am not big on fishing because it bores me. I love fire. I am scared of sharks and love the smell of freshly cut grass. I do not like pain and think I have a low tollerance of it. I could care less about discussing politics with anyone. I don't usually try to change others opinions because 99% of the time you cannot change someone's opinion, or maybe the percentage is lower, but you know what i mean.

So what do I stand for. I would like to study a few different religions including islam if that is what I chose. I love diversity. I enjoy planting flowers, even though some would say that it is not a manly thing to do. I am so tired of being judged based off of someone elses experiences in life. It gets old really quickly with me. Each person grows up learning different things because they are communicated with differently and had different role models etc.....different ways of showing affection, different habits, different lifestyles and sports activities, everything is different. When someone tells me to look in the mirror in order to think about what I stand for in life, why don't you do it yourself, and keep it to yourself once you figure it out. You don't have to shout it out to the world or force your opinions on others, or try to change my ways, or try to change my opinion or even try to engage me in conversation, expecially if it has to do with politics or war or healthcare or whatever the media is shoveling down your throat. I am not a player in that game, even though YOU think I should be. Yes, it affects me, but only to the extent that I allow it to. Then we get back into the whole, telling me what is good for me to think, it kind of reminds me of TV all over again. Makes me want to simply walk away from it all. What the hell happened to simply saying hello? how is it going? how is your family? I guess it goes back to others feeling the need to express themselves, to be heard, to let others know they exist, to push agendas on others. Or is it that they want to get to know me better? Does it make people anxious for me to not say anything at all. Is it a problem for me to be quiet and not say anything? Is that the problem. They would of course say otherwise.....It kind of reminds me of the way I feel about religion and church......I respect your opinion about religion, but don't force your views on me. this is what I stand for since it is so important. It is nice to be home again. Why is it so important for me to express what I stand for? Is it so you can fire back judgements in your head, even though you don't say them verbally. Is it so you can make yourself better than me? Or is it so that you can feel better knowing that I know what I stand for? Why the fuck does it matter to you what I stand for???? Or do you just want to converse? Get ready, my stance will continue to change as it has since the day I was born.....Oh, yes I am a sensitive male and am cool with it.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Bringing back truth

After wind forecasts stated that there would be no wind for days, I decided to pack up the trailer and move on closer to home. My uncle Tom, his girlfriend Rene, Grandpa and wife Jane are in Kiawah Island off the SC coast. So we are hanging out here for a few days catching up and simply relaxing. I was ready for a change of scenery anyway. I meet some very great people and picked up some new music in Cape Hatteras. I look forward to the next trip up there, but don't know when it will be. We slept at a rest stop last night and got about 5 hours of rough sleep. I am begining to miss home again and the girls as well as friends and family. It has been a good 3 months on the road and we are lucky enough to have more opportunities to travel throughout the Fall and into the new year. It is just so nice to be able to take advantage of such opportunities in life.

I don't really consider what I am on a vacation though. Some would beg to differ, I am considering this time on the road a soul seeking journey. Some will question what I am learning and what i am seeking and to be honest, I am not ready to put it into words or do not know if I can put it into words. I am not sure others quite understand what i am doing since they are not living in my skin. I am not sure if others can really relate to me as much as I had hoped. I guess this is somewhat normal. To each their own. Aren't we all caught up in our own lives anyway? Isn't it really impossible for others to truely connect with what each of us has going on internally. I mean we can sympathize with others, but the conversations that each one of us has in our heads, are completely ours and alot of times we can't even express them. Even if we did, I don't think others would "get it." because it is so hard for others to step out of their own drama or story or trip. Am I wrong here. It kind of goes back to what I was saying a while back about listening. Most of the time, not always, we only hear a certain percentage of what others are saying because we are thinking of what we want to respond with or we are caught in our own thoughts. not that all of this is what you want to be reading, but it is true.

So I am learning to not have expectations of support from friends with my challenges on the road. I am learning to not have expectations period from others when what I am doing is so vastly different than what 99% of my friends are faced with. i have no kids (humans), am not married, low debt, low house payment, not divorced (would have been though), no job, a girlfriend that wants to pay our bills allowing me to go after dreams, etc..........I mean, who the hell has this going for them. No one I know. So why should I expect those that can't do this to be all jazzed about this new sport I am progressing at or my 3 month trip around the US and Central America, or anything I am doing. To be honest, I wish that it would come from a few folks, but only if it is a real excitment about it all. I guess that is part of this journey, realizing that it is MY journey and not anyone elses. It is for me to enjoy and for me to take in and for me to share with those that want to ask questions. It is what I am doing with my life right now. it is for me and my lovely lady to watch grow, possibly into something that continues on into the future on the road, not in Atlanta. It is my journey. Like I said, so many of us, all of us are so involved in our own little world that we sometimes forget to realize that so is everyone else, including the lady sitting next to you at the red light, or that person walking across the street. We sometimes think that our lives are so large and big and important that we forget about our neighbors and those that live next door. If I have learned anything while on the road, is that this wonderful sport that I am getting into has a solid knit community that looks out for one another. We are all so excited to be learning this young yet established sport. We know that it takes a community of supporters and that is what I have run into during these last days of traveling. I like that, I actually love that, because it is not something I got from my best friends back home. How could they though, it is not what they are doing or are involved in or interested in or focusing on. They have kids and jobs and wives and responsibilities that will not allow it to this degree like I am doing. So...........wheew, it is nice to write and let out some feelings.

To be honest, I am feeling as though I am not connecting with some of my best friends in the world. It is tough to head in one direction and not to have those you really want around you there. it is difficult to go out and not have some supporters around. It would be nice to be able to shoot the shit with your boys around a fire after a long day of kiteboarding, not the boys you just met, but the guys you grew up with. I guess as I progress, so will they if they want to learn.

So............Community, love, peace of mind, natural high's, smiles, the ocean and wind, good vibes, all fill my soul right now. I am looking forward to passing on some of the love I have received recently. Life is great and I couldn't be happier to have the opportunities I have right now. I hope it lasts a lifetime, I think it could with careful decision making and the right community.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Reassurances are wonderful

So the last few days have taught me so much. I thought that I was only to learn about kiteboarding while here in Hatteras. Nope!!! Not many of you know that I have been restless over the last 4 months or so. Struggling with certain things like sugar consumption, and anxiety. I have simply been wondering what's next and somewhat judging myself for my decisions and having a little bit of fear for heading in this completely new direction. Anyway, I have been very restless in my skin.....So idecided to take a trip down memory lane and decided to drink alcohol again. I must say, it was nice to have a cold beer after kiteboarding at kite point. It was so nice. So yesterday I decided to partake again and ended up having such a great time. It was nice to feel the buzz from alcohol again all day and all afternoon. I drank more than necessary as usual. It was so nice to step out of bounds again, atleast in my head it is out. So I enjoyed breaking the rules. Wow is all I got to say. It brought back so many memories and fears and realities and the feelings that I really did not miss. This morning I awoke with a hangover. I even tried to drink alot of water before I went to sleep. Oh well, this is the day after, the feeling I hated and am living now. I meet some interesting folks. Got some great music from a guy from Charlotte. Bands I am listening to are SOJA, Stick Figure, Pepper, The Movement, and more. So all of the guys I met and hung out with yesterday and also passionate about getting into this sport. So during the festivities last night I met this uy named Lucas from Charlotte. he looks like a badass motorcross guy. Sharpe as hell and in the midst of it all, I found out he doesn't drink. The second he said that he doesn't drink, I was so envious and jealous and so happy......I have been having such a hard time meeting others who are active and go getters and similar ways of communicating and living and thinking and things in common and thought processes similar and passion heading in the right direction and he doesn't drink alcohol. I awoke hungover today and he showed up at my trailer and I immediately let him know my situation with alcohol and that I had been sober for 1.6 years etc......It was rassuring for me that I will meet people who don't focus on alcohol in order to socially lubricate or socially medicate and so often miscommunicate. I am being reassuered left and right that the sober lifestyle I was leading is exactly what I need and that I was heading in the right direction. This man, Lucas, was sent to reassure me of some questions I have been having and that there are people I will connect with more than just on the surface, but also with like-minded thoughts and ways of living and outlooks and conversations and motivations and life experiences and wishes and goals etc......This is begining to sound a little weird, has just been so grounding and reassuring o fo so many things......So I had my own kind of ceremony and healing in the past few days. I remember pulling out the sage and saging everyone that was hanging out here last night. I wish I could have had a camaera of that. They appreciated it from what I remember.......So it is not windy here at all and not due to be windy here until Friday or Saturday. I am feeling so great right now.....I am not judging myself or feeling like a failure of fearful, but more able to feel like I am in control of my decisions and my life etc.......It is nice to communicate with myself on different levels through experiences and new awareness and respect for these experiences. Traveling the country and learning a very tough sport pretty much alone has been kind of stressful. I guess stressful in its own way. I am loving this life and taking full advantage of every opportunity that is presenting itself. After the reassurances of the ast few days, I am only imagining what wonderful things will present themselves over the next 3 months. I am begining to manifest things into my life quicker and quicker, it helps to step out of the comfort zone to get this kind of growth and opportunities. I wish that others could do the same things as I am right now, but many are unable to. So I will share my experiences and the love and the vibes and music and tastes and sounds and passion and photos and everything in other ways. It is such a road less traveled that I think it might be hard for others to enjoy or understand. So many people can't pick up and take off for a month or three......I am enjoyin my decisions made in the past....So this is where I am and I am loving life more than ever before and meeting some great people seeking passion in similar ways as I. It is so interesting to experience all of the different characters and stories and ways of behaving after a few drinks......It is so interesting, But I think I will begin to medicate myself on the water when their is wind and staying sober when there is no wind.....It is what works for me and those that are usually around me. What a life this is........I can say that it is treating me well and teaching me alot. Just about everyone in my family is feeling the same but from different situations. it is amazing what is going on within my family. It amazes me. The phone conversations are much better these days and I am proud of all of the women in my family. They are strong and smart and loving and respectful and learning a hell of alot these days......I love those ladies so much........I think Dad would enjoy this sport.....Katie would be great at this sport........I'm thinking about investing in a good camera and taking pictures and being somewhat of a "Stephen Davis" type. He's a guy that basically made his living of selling pictures of people back to them. He did it at the baseball park. So I do that at areas or contests or beaches in the caribean and give them on memory sticks to those that purchase them. Everyone likes to have their picture taken, don't we....Imaine setting up at a beach with a computer, camera, wetsuit, tripod, etc and selling 20 pics at $7 a peice, or more and ost them on the internet for customers to see. Low maintenance and technology supported and can be done everywhere I want to be, where the wind is blowing and kiteboarding is taking place.....>What an idea......We'll see what happens soon.....You know we create everything that is in front of us? We create our realities and limits and undaries and safety zone and all that we live. We are in comlete control of what we do. So we'll see if what I am thinking will take place.

I miss rose,....she's going through alot too these days and learning alot about communicating and her new limits and boundaries and much more, atleast that is my take. It is so nice to be supported by her these days. It is so nice to have her as a partner, a loving life partner she is. I am so lucky to have this opportunity and chance to experience things with her by my side. What a lucky man I am.....I love you Rose, you blow me away every day.....and so much more than I ever dreamed I would have, thanks

Check out SOJA "You and Me", seriously, they got this great vibe. get it on Limewire.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

What a day

Sunday was so nice. I awoke to the a'c and knew that the wind was to be low. So we had french toast and then the wind showed up at our door. We communitized and began to organize a scheme, me being the most virgin or our plan. We wanted to do a down winder to Salvo from Rodanthe. Me being the beginner I just went with it and hoped that my skills were up for it. So we went and I did Great for a little bit. The the wind died and the kite fell from the sky and the lines got inverted and then I had night mares about my last lame experience with a kite and being near the water and it pulling me. So, I lost the board I borrowed from Paul and I stopped the down winder and the team was now organized to find Pauls board and see if I was OK. All was good, the board was rescued and I ended up returning the 12m slingshot RPM and got a 12m Best Nemisis HP and a new board. So I am hoping that this new rcipe gets me riding well. I have been told that my biggest problem might have been the equipment. The right board and the right kite will treat you well in the right winds. I have met a great group of people to say the least. In California I was yearning for those that want to treat others like COMMUNITY. Well, I think I am getting closer. It is nice and refreshing to meet others from a community and they welcome you with open arms. Not that I am a soft-man or anything, but more like it is nice to have there be such a relaxed feel about community. It is nice to have met Paul. He reminds me of a hard Adalberto. He sure as hell is teaching me alot and is open to it when he could be riding full speed ahead without a beginner. It is something I am going to pass on to the next beginner.

This trip has actually changed drastically in the past few days. It is hard to explain but I am beginning to feel as though I am completely where I want to be. That is nice. It is nice to sit here in Cape Hatteras this Sunday evening and to look back at my weekend.

I met these cool people from Kill Devil Hills NC with a 59 trailer. We shared some goods. Thanks Erik, by the way. Anyway, check out Southern Bean in Kill Devil Hills. I heard they have the best coffee. Eric is such a nice guy. Life is so good lately. I sat tonight outside of the trailer looking at the stars over the Palmico sound and thought back to Death Valley and Klamath CA.......Life is defintiely being nice to me these days. To see and experience life out in the open is the best one could ask for ever.

So this week I am planning on spending every day kiteboarding with Paul. Rose calls it work, so I guess I am pretty lucky. Let me get back to work. ....Pics are of my neighbors and their trailer, the sunset, my gear and Marley and I and the gear (family shot). Anyway, we love it here and hope all of you are feeling the same _ ===)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The grass is not always greener

I guess every now and then when we actually listen to what others say, we hear things that mean something. So often we are so caught up in our own thoughts during conversations that we only hear about 60% of what others say. Maybe it is only me, or maybe not...but either way, I was talking to another fellow kiteboarder here in Cape Hatteras and during the conversation he said "the grass is always greener." Well I am here to tell you that the grass IS NOT always greener.

It has become somewhat normal to yearn for what others have or what others are doing. Or is it envy, jealousy. It is just another way of saying that we are not completely content with where we are at that moment. The grass is not always greener. I think that is very obvious when you take a look around and see families that we think are tight breaking apart. There are many many examples, and I think that many times people put up this impression that everything is just perfect. You know what I am talking about, you see it every year when others send you the Christmas card/postcard picture. You see it on the news, at work, all over the place. People are always trying to present to others that things are GREAT.

I wish people would just come out and tell me when they are having a hard time, or if they are not happy, or struggling, or whatever. Not that I want to know all the time when people are unhappy or all the bad things, I just wish that others would not present greatness when it is not really present.

In terms of how this relates to me, I guess I just want everyone to know that this journey I have been on for the past 4 months has been beautiful and I have seen Guatemala and much of the USA and now I am kiteboarding in Cape Hatteras and I am able to do it all in a trailer with my dog and most of the time with my lovely lady Rosemary, BUT it has not been easy. The pictures I post in this blog are just pictures. I am in the midst of finding out what direction I am headed and that is not always easy. Consider the fact that I studied things and have degrees that I don't use consistently, I don't have a job right now, I am spending money that I will run out of, and I am not really comfortable with everything. It is tough for me to not know what I will be doing for money in the future. I like security, so in alot of ways I am completely out of my comfort zone. So the grass is not greener for me more than it is for anyone else. It is just uncomfortable, even though I am happy with what I am doing and accomplishing. I am not saying in any way that I am unhappy with what I am doing, I am just saying that it is not all easy.

I did just secure a spot for Rose and I to attend Fantasy Fest in Key West at the end of October as well as 5 days of kiteboarding on "the flats." So we will head down there after her last music festival in N Florida, Magnolia Fest. If you ahve not heard of it, check it and definitely attend. That is by far my favorite festival. So our travels will continue and my abilities in this sport will continue to progress. I have never been to Key West and Fantasy Fest is supposed to riht up Rose's alley with all the costumes and masquerading. I guess in terms of travel, I could not ask for much more than this lifestyle. I think Rose is actually going to be looking for a spot to do henna for the future as well as for the festival. So she could actually make enough money to pay for the trip, now that would be nice. If we can dial everything in correctly, then this lifestyle could be quite fun. I am aiming at ossibly instructing kiteboarding and she continues to do henna. Who knows where it could go. For now, I am in Cape Hatteras doing my best to ride upwind and stay upwind, that is all I want to be able to do.

Much love and Peace, Andrew

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Kiteboarding mishaps

Today was the best day of kiteboarding I have had yet. It is weird that I say this since it was also the most terrifying experience I have ever had. This morning as I was kiting alone, my kite got tangled after a crash. The kite proceeded to hang out in the power zone and spin in circles, crashing and more circles. I was attached to the kite and although I had let go of the bar, the kite was still attached to me and must have pulled me 50 yards or so. It pulled me under water and then let me up, pulled me under and let me up. I was out of control and it scared the heck out of me. I threw my hands up in the air and yelled for help a few times. An instructor on a jetski saw me and rushed to help. In the midst of it all, I forgot to push the safety releases that disconnect me from the kite all together. He yeled for me to release and all was good after that. But I seriously thought I was going to die for a few seconds. It was by far the scariest shit I have had ever happen to me, ever.

The wind is a powerful thing. I just about packed the trailer and headed for home. But then I relaxed and caught my breath on the shore and decided that I clearly needed to be riding with supervision. Lesson learned Oh mighty wind God!!!! Much respect!!

So I spoke with a few riders on the shore and they said that it is normal to ahve these kind of thins happen. It was almost as scary as going over a waterfall in my kayak on the Chattooga River, flipping over and proceeding to go down river upside down, cutting open my eye, with 2 hours still to go until take out.....Only this time I am not going to sell my kites and leave the sport as I did with my kayak.....I jumped right back onto the water in the afternoon with the same instructor that saved my ass.

Not only did I get back out into the water, but I got up and riding every time and began to ride up-wind. I rode for two hours this afternoon and it was the confidence booster that I needed. I have also decided that I will probably take two more lessons with the same instructor, even if it costs me $400. Oh, and I might also add that I am taking the Level 1 instructor certification course here at the end of the month, allowing me to become an instructor of kiteboarding. So, needless to say, I had a big day and am very sore and will more than likely be much more sore tomorrow.

Lesson of the day: "RELEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Yes, It is Nice, Thank You"

So the bottom line is that life has been treating Rosemary and I well. She supports my dreams and I support hers. We don't have responsibilities such as children that make it semi-impossible to do what we are doing. I guess in the last week or so I have begun to feel a tiny bit of bitterness from others. It is kind of the type of bitterness that comes with envy or jealousy. I am not sure if I am reading it correctly, but my gut says I am correct. If I bring it up, it would of course be turned back on me as though i am incorrect or I am creating something that isn't taking place or that I am crazy to think such....

Am I beginning to do things that are not so traditional, YES. Am I taking chances, YES. Is it risky, YES. Do I fear that everything won't work out the way I plan, YES. Do I sometimes feel as though others would like to see me fall and fail, YES. I am simply choosing to do things differently for a change. I am creating a "must have" list and passion is at the top of this list.

So.........Life is treating me well right now, and it may not always treat me so well. I am sure I will have times in my life when I will not be able to do what I am doing now, nor will Rosemary and I be able to afford it, or maybe we will always be able to live this kind of lifestyle. I am leaning that we will always be able to do whatever we want, because we can and are willing and able to live with less and more important than anything, we have the ability to let go of material things that most embrace. So I am choosing to step out into this great world in order to try some new things.

So, now when I hear others say "It Must Be Nice," I say "Yes, it sure is, thank you."

Monday, September 7, 2009

What Now?

So.....What is next. So the bottom line is this, I borrowed money to start a small business and now owe my parents all of that money as well as money they loaned me for a truck. I have traveled across the country and back, traveled to Guatemala, am in love with a wonderful woman, have a great dog that hates other dogs to the point of attack, own a home and a rental that is rented, and much much more. So the small business was not doing well enough to pay two peoples salaries so I decided to move on and go out into this world and seek another path. I have an MBA and an undergraduate degree in international finance and speak Spanish. So I have all of these wonderful experiences under my belt......Now what. The problem I am having is that I am seeking passion in my job. Granted, now may not be the time to be picky about one's job, but I chose to take the path less traveled and alot riskier. So now that I have traveled the country, I am now in Cape Haterras with the want to get better at kite boarding. I have this big dream that I will be able to get so good, that I will be able to become an instructor and travel the world and make a decent living, relative to where I am. Is this completely crazy??? Why hasn't anyone pulled me aside and shaken me silly telling me how crazy this is??? Not that I am waiting for someone to wake me up or anything, but really......So I sit here in Cape Haterras wondering what will come my way over the next week or three. I guess I am begining to completely second guess my plans. I am second guessing my plans so much that it sometimes causes me to miss out on the fun of what is in front of me. I guess my point to this blog is making all of you aware that I know that it seems a little wild for me to be traveling all over the place and not working like everyone else. I know that it seems like I am "living it up" while everyone else is working and I know that alot of people are saying "it must be nice." Well it has been nice in alot of ways, but in many other ways I am internally struggling to be at peace with a job. No matter where you go or how far away you go, you always have to come home to you....No matter where you are at, you always are still with you. You cannot escape yourself no matter what you do....So, I have spent the whole day driving here to Cape Haterras and my plan is to take some kiteboarding lessons and hopefully get to be good enough to begin to enjoy the sport and to be able to use the gear I have purchased. We'll see where this leads me......I think I need a good night sleep and in the morning, I am going out to get the ay of the land, with Marley (the attack dog).

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Home Sweet Home

So it is so nice to be back in Decatur, GA. This place is so unique actually. I love the south and specifically I love the diversity that is represented here in Atlanta and feel completely at home where here. So we arrived back here at home after two long driving days. Rosemary is now scheduling her next few months while I do the same. She is headed in one direction and me in another.

The past few months have taken a toll on both of us and it is taking some time to actually feel being home again. The quality of sleep acheived on a regular mattress is so much better than futon quality. I changed out the brake pads on the truck and weeded the day lilly flower beds this morning. I need to mulch them with wood chips before winter. All in all, the house was in great shape. It is takin some getting used to not having a job. My objective is to land a job near water allowing me to kite and earn a living while keeping my bills paid in Atl.

We'll see what ends up happening. I will be spending the month of September in Cape Hatteras either stand-up paddle boarding or kite boarding. October we will be traveling from festival to festival doing henna. Wish us luck and safe travels. I will post my progress in Cape Hatteras with kite boarding. My true intention is to land a job for next year in that area. Why not, right?