Wednesday, March 3, 2010


If you read this blog, you probably know that I tend to confront issues head on with myself, by myself, writing without comments from others. I find that expressing emotions or feelings or thoughts in writing helps me. It is too much for some to read from what I have been told. It is honest, it is me, not you. Maybe, just maybe, you think about the subjects I write about in your own way.

Maybe it is just me, at least this is what I hear in my head sometimes, but I think I am not alone with the subject of self-sabotage. I think we all do it or have done it or will do it, even if we don't know we are doing it. So, I quit drinking alcohol because as some say, "I can't handle my liquor." In my case it was wine or beer or whatever. I have quit smoking cigarettes many times, sometime for years. I have felt as though I should quit smoking marijuana, but have yet to stop completely. I quit hanging out with so many friends I grew up with, but this began the day I graduated high school. I have quite a lot of things over the years. I guess my point is that I am beginning to experience patterns of stopping and starting something. I am not sure why I do this. For example, I quit smoking cigarettes which gave me the best feeling ever, a feeling like I had climbed to highest mountain in the world. Addiction is a tough one to beat, but stopping smoking gave me a sense of accomplishment that I had not ever felt. So why do I start back every so often? Self-Sabotage! I recently began working out in the gym again while in town coupling it with juicing and a mostly vegetarian diet coupled with protein shakes. What a feeling this gave me!! After about a month or so, I began to get lazy and one day recently I chose to smoke a cigarette, a week later I had a pack, a week later I was not going to the gym as much or juicing as much. I find that every so often I sabotage myself, especially when i am doing everything great and succeeding. I did the same thing last Fall when I "fell off the wagon" and decided to start drinking alcohol in moderation. My point is that I find myself sabotaging myself without knowing it. I sabotage my successes when things are going well. Is this my way of putting a reality check on myself, a way of breaking me down and humanizing things? Is this how I make myself feel like I am accomplishing things? To set myself up for failure so that I can tackle it head on and feel as though I am once again accomplishing something? Do I do this because I get bored easily. Is this a form a attention deficit disorder? Is this what makes me feel good, breaking myself down in order to build myself back up? I think that we all do it in our own way. We self-sabotage ourselves. Some do it in order to get attention from others, in order to get the support they desire. I have seen it done especially with addiction issues. I personally do not understand completely why I do it to myself. I do not seek support from others, I just go into my head and ask more questions. I judge myself breaking myself down further. Do you do this to yourself, do you sometime inflame your weaknesses to test yourself. It is kind of sick to think about. Why would we harm ourselves in order to help ourselves. I could say the same thing about over-doing anything, it usually is not healthy. Is it the ADD that I mentioned? Do we get bored with our lives and spice it up by shaking things up? That seems to be my pattern in some ways, not a healthy pattern at all. Have you sabotaged yourself lately? Do you even think about things this way? I am starting to see my patterns much more clearly and quickly. I guess after all, i may not be as balanced as I thought, at least not in the past 2 weeks off and on.

I think that something we all must do more of is to give ourselves some room to wiggle. We are human, we do make mistakes, we are not perfect, and we do not always communicate effectively or treat ourselves, family or friends wonderfully. i tend to beat myself up more than anyone else does. I am my worst critic and my best critic. We should always allow for error and room to wiggle. Kind of like buying a sleeping bag that is one size bigger than we need, allowing room to role over and not feel so claustrophobic. Accepting our imperfections is very important, knowing our weaknesses and strengths, setting limits and boundaries while allowing ourselves room to go outside of boundaries if needed. not taking life too seriously. Learning to laugh more, something I don't do enough. I find that giving compliments helps me to get out of my funk. When I feel a little stressed, depressed or down, it always helps to find the energy to give someone else a compliment. Tell a loved one you are proud of them. Do you hear it enough? If the answer is no, then start by telling someone else how proud you are of them, but mean it. Doesn't it feel good to know that someone is proud of you? A message to myself "Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments and try not to self-sabotage yourself. Focus on wiggle room. Room for error and when you make mistakes, try not to take it so seriously or beat yourself up. At the end of the day you can laugh about it and then tell yourself how proud you are for recognizing imperfections." Or maybe I could just chalk it up to, I don't feel like working-out today....I'm complete.....